When I get frustrated, I tense up. I don't handle him as gently. I don't smile. I don't purse my lips and tell him how cutie wootie his itty bitty tootsie wootsies are.
According to this guest post from Annie Kirschenmann, M.S., BC-DMT, NCC, Certified Corporate Business Coach, Cole sees, learns from and reacts to my behavior. Even at his age, how I react to him forms his impressions of the world.
I guess he and I better get back to that tootsie-wootsie conversation... :)
From Annie:
The camera moves slowly around the large room. The windows are tall and light spills in, filling the space. A woman gazes at a toddler. The little girl has her back to the adult and is facing the wall, closely watching her fingers move in rapid, repetitive patterns. The woman mirrors the girl’s finger movements exactly. It is the beginning of a relationship.
This is from the film “Looking for Me”, produced in the 1960s by Janet Alder, the dance/movement therapist in the scene. The child, as you may have guessed, has been diagnosed with autism -- a condition characterized by difficulties in establishing the ways of relating and communicating most of us take for granted.
What’s not so well known is that such a state is also a stage of infant development, referred to as “normal autism” (The Psychological Birth of the Human Infant, M. Mahler). During this phase of development, the infant is basically unaware of anyone outside of herself. Slowly she becomes cognizant that she in not alone; and the parent / child relationship begins with a smile. (See my last blog, “Smile for Me Baby”.)
Now junior is pretty much glued to you – watching your every move.
Something really interesting kicks in at this point; little critters in the brain called mirror neurons. As the name implies, it means that we “mirror” other people's movements in our brains; and by watching someone else’s actions, neurons fire in the same way as if we were doing that exact movement ourselves.
Mirror neurons are a relatively recent scientific discovery and have inspired a lot of research in the areas of neurology, development, empathy, how we learn. . .and even athletic excellence! But what does it mean for you and your baby?
At this point, your infant has no verbal language, so everything he is learning and communicating is happening in movement, touch, expression, taste and sound. He is taking in a world of information and forming impressions – about language, his self-esteem and sense of self, relationships, whether or not his world is a safe place – and much, much more. These extremely impressionable pre-language months set the stage for much of what his life will be like. You and the others around him are imparting the non-verbal messages that will help him determine this -- and when it comes to learning, his mirror neurons are very busy and play a critical role.
The impact also goes both ways. Your infant is having an affect on you – and activating your mirror neurons. It’s nature’s little way of helping you to develop strong empathy with her; to be able to read her needs and desires before she has the language to express them. On a very primal, basic level, you are both “saying” to each other:
“I see you see me.”
What happens with the pair in “Looking For Me”? In a heart warming scene, after many sessions of movement mirroring on the part of the adult, the child turns and runs in the woman’s arms; they hug and dance around the room together -- a powerful testimony to the power of non-verbal communication.
Seems like a pretty awesome thing, doesn’t it? It is indeed. And you can use the level of communication intentionally with your pre-verbal child. Begin by becoming aware of your own non-verbal messages.
• What are you expressing with your face?
• How and when do you move towards or away from your child?
• When you interact with your child, notice your own body. What are exactly are you doing in movement? Are you relaxed or tense?
• How are you using the tone of your voice?
Over the next few weeks, practice noticing your own non-verbal behavior and really watch how your child responds to it, in movement, sound and facial expressions. Then we will explore more tips for enhancing non-language communication with your child in my next blog, “Non-verbally Speaking”.
Annie Kirschenmann is a board certified Dance/Movement Therapist and a non-verbal communication expert; a Nationally Certified Counselor; and a Certified Corporate Business Coach. She holds her M.S. from Hunter College (NY) and her BA from Macalester College (St. Paul). Annie’s award winning master’s thesis is on the therapeutic benefits of smiling, laughter and humor. She is the owner and lead coach/consultant for A.K. Coach and Company (AKACoachAndCompany.com). She can be reached by e-mail at: Annie@AKACoachAndCompany.com
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