day care dilemma

I toured a day care yesterday and drove home in near tears.

It wasn't the day care, it was me.

On the tour, many children played with toys the center rotates so the children have new objects to manipulate and explore. The youngest of them was too small to walk, so she wailed in an automatic swing as a caregiver prepared her bottle.

I'm not ready for that... extended periods of swinging and wailing for my son.

No matter where he goes while I work, he'll inevitably become a lower priority than what he is with me. All caregivers have multiple children calling for their attention, but at my house, my son is the only one. Sure, he cries. But he's never left to cry while I meet the needs of several other small children-- all of whom are not mine.

Not rushing to a screaming child isn't necessarily bad. I'm sure caregivers aren't neglecting any children. And waiting a few minutes for food and attention likely teaches patience. But the thought of him in an automatic swing all day make me sick. My son can't crawl or walk yet. He's easy to care for, and therefore, likely won't receive as much of it.

If staying at home were an option, I'd take it. At least for a while longer. I *LOVE* my job and almost missed it this election season. Plus, financially, my little family can't get by on one salary.

I want a day care where someone will hold him and read him books. I want somewhere clean and loving and where the caregivers have years of experience plus children of their own. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm open.

I'm very fortunate. My son will be three months old when I return to work. Many mothers don't get that long. But even still, my son seems too young a boy to go full days without his mom. Or maybe it's I'm too new a mom to go full days without him.